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I know you'll be reading this, Max, but I'm going to write about you like you're not. >.>
I'm scared. I am genuinely frightened right now, I'm upset, a jumble of emotions. I just read Max's latest journal entry, and a few of the ones below it.
I love him so incredibly much, but still, he doesn't understand the one thing I want him to. My throat is tight right now, I want to cry, I want to curl up in a ball and never have to think about anything again. It seems like nothing I do has the desired effect. I am so sick of crying at night because of how worried I am about him.
Now, it's not his actual entry that scares me. I know what he means about being scared of losing me...that doesn't bother me at all. I'm glad I have found someone who cares about me enough...but it's just...everything else. His attitude toward life in general, and more importantly, his lack of caring about what's going to happen after life is over.
I don't push it on him because it really sucks to have religion pushed on you, but still, I just want him to understand. I want to know that even if something happens to him, that I can have some kind of freedom from the pain. That's why I didn't end up falling into drugs, or even commiting suicide when my dad died. I had faith that he was safe. According to what I believe, should something happen to Max, then it's...entirely over. Eternally seperated. I don't want that.
Max...please...please understand. Don't keep me crying into my pillow at night.
I'm scared. I am genuinely frightened right now, I'm upset, a jumble of emotions. I just read Max's latest journal entry, and a few of the ones below it.
I love him so incredibly much, but still, he doesn't understand the one thing I want him to. My throat is tight right now, I want to cry, I want to curl up in a ball and never have to think about anything again. It seems like nothing I do has the desired effect. I am so sick of crying at night because of how worried I am about him.
Now, it's not his actual entry that scares me. I know what he means about being scared of losing me...that doesn't bother me at all. I'm glad I have found someone who cares about me enough...but it's just...everything else. His attitude toward life in general, and more importantly, his lack of caring about what's going to happen after life is over.
I don't push it on him because it really sucks to have religion pushed on you, but still, I just want him to understand. I want to know that even if something happens to him, that I can have some kind of freedom from the pain. That's why I didn't end up falling into drugs, or even commiting suicide when my dad died. I had faith that he was safe. According to what I believe, should something happen to Max, then it's...entirely over. Eternally seperated. I don't want that.
Max...please...please understand. Don't keep me crying into my pillow at night.
