katiroth | Entries tagged with look i can be philosophical!

We have a future as long as we desire to have one.

I think Shuya said that in BRII...Mighta been Takuma, but I think it was Shuya. Anyway...that just really makes sense right now. As long as we don't give up or withdraw completely into our shells, there's always a chance. It gets hard...and it can be shitty to go through so many bumps in the road, but as long as there is a desire to make your dream come true, to use a cliched phrase, then you can keep going.

Its when we get sick of everything and completely lose hope that our future is lost. When we decide that it's just not worth it to go on, that's when we don't have a future. I don't mean this nessecarily in the 'death' way, just in general. If we don't have a desire to fight for our future, then it's not going to happen. Everything's not going to be handed to us on a silver platter. T'would be nice if that would happen, and it occasionally does..but in general, we need to fight for it.

Right now...that means everything to me. I've been going through stuff that I haven't even told my best friend about...I had gotten to the point where I was all but giving up on something...and while it's probably not possible, as long as I don't give up on it completely, there is a possibility of it happening. Not a great one, but I've come to accept that. I'd rather have the possibility of it happening than to completely give up...because then it won't happen.

So yeah. I don't know how much sense I'm making right now, but I know what I mean and that's all that matters. Sigh. All that matters...too much matters to me. In my written journal that goes into all the stuff I can't share online, I have this little quote-

I wish I understood. I wish life could be somewhat normal once in a while...or is this normal? Do most other people go through the anguish I'm going through? Or are they really heartless bitches and bastards who don't care about whose feelings they hurt?
Sometimes I wonder which is worse.

Right now that explains part of what's wrong. I care too much about people and I can't stand to hurt anyone...except for those who royally piss me off..and a few of you know what happens when Katy becomes royally pissed off. Not a pretty picture. I'll usually regret it later, but in general...well, you get what I mean. Basically...I invest too much of myself in the people I care about and that can get rather dangerous. I'm wondering if that's part of the reason I've been getting these weird headaches and odd moments of dizziness..from the stress of caring too much. And it's not just one person, though admitedly, one person's stuggle did take most of my mind this week...but it's a lot of different ones.

So which is better? Heartless or too kind? I really don't know the answer and I don't think anyone does..so consider that a rhetorical question.

Yeah. It's also kinda a weird feeling when you've accepted something.

Even weirder when while you've accepted it, that you still want it, or care about it, or want to change it.

Meh. I'm too tired to go into a rant about what acceptance of an event/feeling/situation really is. So I'll just shut up now...because I know I'm not making any sense here.

Current Mood: exanimate

So yeah. In anthropology today we were talking about initiation rites, rites of passage and whutnot. Pretty standard anthro stuff, nothing new to me..but while doodling in my notebook rather than listen to my professor, I came to a realization. In so many cultures, people my age are already married or set to be, or in their career...basically..all grown up. They know how they are, their identities are set by now. Sure, There's probably more than I think that are still struggling, but in so many so-called "primitive" (One of these days I'll have to post my essay on why no culture is primitive..but, heh..back on subject) cultures, people know what they're supposed to do, what's expected of them.

Sure...it's good that in our culture we have the different choices, but argh..it's maddening to have to figure this stuff out. Last semester I read a really good article about arranged marriages in India, and I'm wondering, with all this garbage going on right now, if that's not such a bad idea. ....Well..it probably is, as I would NEVER trust my parents with something of that magnitude, but it's an interesting concept. Especially since I can't trust myself. ..That's right. I can't trust myself. My emotions are too screwy to bank on right now..and I'm afraid that it's going to be like that forever. I know..I know. Nearly everyone goes through this, but it's maddening.

Hell, life itself is maddening. I want to know the answers.

I want to know who I am.
I want to know where my life is going.
I want to know my place.
I want to know who I'm going to spend it with.

I'm sick of waiting. I am not a very patient person, and couple that with my thoughts....well....Sigh. Not a pretty picture. I think I'm still placing myself too highly, I want to believe that everything's about me. It's not though...so I gotta get out of that mindset. Still..t'would be nice if this one thing I'm right on. Doubt it though. So I'll just be content with being jealous.

( Lyric Spammage )

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Micheal W. Smith -Place in this World

Tonight Corinne was talking on the phone to someone, and she said something like "None of the guys I'm attacted to are partiers. The ones at the club..none of them really..jumped out at me." ..And then I came to a realization. While different..mine and her situation is much the same. The guys the show interest in me..I don't like...yet the ones I like? Well..they either don't know I exist, or aren't looking for a relationship...or something of the sort. So I'm now wondering if I'm just being picky.

I mean...I'm wondering if I should just go with someone that really cares about me, even though I don't care so much, rather than waiting for 'Mr. Right." ...But then again, if I'm not happy...well..I can't pretend forever. Or maybe I can, but I'd be miserable.

You know...that really is a dumb question. I mean...Of course I'm never going to put up with being with a guy I don't like..I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I'm really pessimistic right now. I mean..I know I'm young and whutnot, and that I have time, but still..it's annoying me. I suppose we all go through days like this though. I'd really like to know the answers though.

But at least I'm working on my whole self-esteem problem. Tonight at bible study Jenny was really supportive. So..slowly I'm working on that. And as soon as I get money, I'm going to go shopping and get clothes that *I* like, not what is nessecarily the fashion. I mean..I'm not one of the 'normal' girls, so why should I dress like them? Hmm..Just need to figure out how to make electrical tape work right..*coughs* That and last night Kyle said "Since when do you care about what people think of you?"...and I guess he's right. I need to stop it. When I didn't care, I was happy, but now that i do (sorta) I'm miserable again.

So...maybe I will wear black lipstick tomorrow. Maybe I will dye my hair pink and black and purple.

And maybe the answers will come.

--

Childhood memories
Happy days
Happy songs
Simple back then
Can't ever be simple again.

Stick out your tongue at the ones you didn't like
or that you did
Now you'd be branded strange
But maybe such a simple action
From the time of childhood
is all that this world needs

Just stick out your tongue
Maybe they'll stick it out back
That meant they actually liked you
And you secretly liked them.

Simple back then.
Not like now
When you have to toss and turn
Fighting your fears and tears
Just to let them know
You either hate them or love them.

I want my childhood back
I want things to be simple again.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Evanescence - October

Anyway, now that I have the LJ client downloaded on this computer and whutnot, I can really type up a post (though..10 to 1 it ends up screwing up and not posting). But anyway, I have a few rants, a few dreams, and a few general notes on stuff.

We'll start with my rant. I hate Windows XP...for the simple reason that if I woulda been on my old computer with Windows 98+ then I wouldn't have been infected with that damned "msblaster/lovesan" worm that went around. Gah, that thing annoyed me like crazy. -_- I couldn't figure out what it was, and then when I did, it took forever to get rid of because my internet was moving so slowly. Anyway, I did get it taken care of, but having to keep my firewall up is annoying, because then I can't do the DC on AIM very easily. *shrug* Oh well.

Next rant. Dave, my stepdad, bought blank cd's a while back...but now that I have a computer that burns cd's, do you think I can find them? Of course not. So anyway, yeah...I had to check my bank account to make sure that I still had some extra money in it, and I remembered my password, but I couldn't remember my username..O.o So I finally called, got my balance over the phone, and then grumbled at USbank. Their systems are down, probably victim to the damned worm too.

Alrighty, now onto my recent dreams. I had a really awesome one a few nights ago, and a really funny one right before that. Funny one first. I was walking down the outdoor hallway of my high school with my friend Nicole and we were laughing and whutnot, when this really short bald kid with psychededelic socks walks out of the sophomore hallway. I immediatly recognize him as Kyle (my bestest online buddy)...but that's NOT what Kyle looks like. Kyle is super tall with longish hair. *shrug* So anyway, he calls me "Ms. Lockheart," which was quite odd, as if anything, he'd call me Ms. Hawke..but c'est la vie. It was amusing...I woke up laughing.

And the cool dream..Oooh, it was frickin awesome. I was Exho Xai, my original Matrix character. Along with me was the crew of the Medusa, the ship Echo serves on. This was Blade, the captain, a rather Morpheus-type character (In the dream, at least. In my fics he's not), Tiamat, the operator, Lilith, the weapons expert, Kobane, another crew member, and Isis, a recently freed person. SO anyway, we're all in the Matrix when something happens to Tiamat and he can't get us out..So we're kinda freaking out, as Agents are after us, along with the Merovingian's henchment (Except the Twins...*tear*). At one point we all duck into a cafe where the Merovingian's vampiric and werewolf minions are after us, and Isis and I are the only ones with the right kind of bullets...So we take out the entire place and run somewhere else...which turns out to be Paris. There's a replica of stonehenge there, and we're hiding out when Lilith freaks out and goes all hippie-ish on us...and then Agents suddenly surround us...but don't kill us (You know, I use an ellipsis a lot)...and then I wake up because the cable guy ame to the door :(

Now, general thoughts on life. Tonight was another night of revival at my church and the evangelist preached about the End Times...this is a subject I tend to avoid, not because I'm scred, but because there are so amny different ways to percieve it and as long as you know that you're a Christian and saved and whutnot, when the rapture comes, you'll be caught up. ....So I don't think about it, as it causes too much strife in the church....but anyway, the guy did raise some interesting points...so for all of you who are reading this that don't believe what I do...you should. :) But I'm not forcing it or anything...so please don't get mad at me. I'm giving my personal belief, and if you don't like it, then oh well. But anyway, it's coming...soon? Not-so-soon? I don't know. No one does, but I'm ready. I just hope my friends can understand this all before it's too late..:(

Also...i've decided that having several guys with crushes on you is not good. >.<

HAHA! I told you it wouldn't post! I had to go through the browser!

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Chevelle -Send the Pain Below

Sometimes things just don't work out. We gotta live with it. But has anyone else just wanted to give up, to just let the world take over? Of course. Everyone goes through a point in time when they want to quit fighting. Some really do stop. Then they cease to be

Yes, you heard me, cease to be. They might still be alive, but they have no life, no spirit. And when loved one see this person giving up, they give up too. It's one of those "He did it, so I can too". This is not the mindset we need to be in.

Yes, I'm rambling, but I don't really care. Back on subject. Ok...so we have these people who give up, causing others to follow. What can we do about this?

Nothing. No, I am not trying to be pessimistic here, but it's the truth. We can't do anything to stop people from giving up. We can, however, offer our strength as an example.

So that's my thought for right now. Be an example, a good example. We'll have a lot less fallen people in our world then.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Howard Shore - The Brigde Of Khazad Dum