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Jan. 22nd, 2002 07:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
katirothThird post in one night. My rant ..my real rant. So anyways, I decided that I have some major issues. No one else I know purposly acts like a freak just to hide what they're really feeling. But that's what I do. I act all crazy and freakish, just so that I don't have to show my true feelings. Now this is at school, mind you. Anyways, I don't want people to see the real me. The real me is just a scared teenage girl who really does want to fit in. Yeah..I'm ok with being a 'freak' but still, sometimes I want to be the one who sinks the winning goal, or runs the fastest mile, or gets elected homecoming queen.
But instead I am just the freak that acts all stupid. "Yeah, Katy's the one who wears anime shirts", or "Oh, her. She's not important"...Yes, I do have people tell me that. People tell me that I am not worth anything. I shouldn't let this get to me, and normally I don't. Sometimes the constant pressure on your skull gets through though. I was praying last night, and i suddenly realized that I am just as conceited as the rest of them. My favorite thing to say to myself when they're all being bitchy is "Oh, they're gonna be barefoot and pregnant by 20."..Yeah, it's most likely true, but I am still passing judgement on 'em. The same thing they are doing to me.
Ya know, some people might wonder why I am expressing everything on here, right where the entire world could see it, should they look. I'll tell you why. I have to tell someone, but I have maybe...one person, and that's Amy, who I can really tell about all these things. Yeah, I can also tell Max most things, but not everything. So I kinda vent here. Get over it now.
Anyways, back to my ranting. These people in my opressive idiots in the cesspool known as SHS are...well...Opressive. It's not like they tell us we can't so a lot of stuff, they're actually pretty lenient -we can even wear trenchcoats to school- but the atmosphere is like..argh. Everything revolves around sports, especially football. Drama club, when we put on the fall play, almost couldn't, due to people always using the gym, even on sunday afternoons. Then, the stupid PE coaches decided that they wanted to keep thier stuff on the stage...Luckily a few parents (like mom) got into thier faces. What bugs me is that fine arts get like..NO funding whatsoever, and they get mad at us when we try to do fundraisers. Football and other sports get a lot of money, but fine arts are shit in my school. I can understand that we don't bring in much money, but that is no reason to keep us in poverty while the football team gets new uniforms almost every year. *growls*
Now lets get onto my family. Yeah, my mom is pretty cool most of the time, but sometimes I just feel like hurting her. See, almost 3 years ago I was promised a brand new computer of my own. Have i got it yet? No. 'Cause she's too busy buying sewing stuff off of ebay, and buying my lil brother more lego's. At least I'll be getting this one, and I can deleate all her crap off of it. And Patrick's crap, too. On a good note, we bought a house, so at least I'll also be getting my own room soon. Oh it is so hard for a 17 year old to share a room with an 11 year old brother. But that's what I put up with. Le sigh.
And mom is getting married soon. A couple of months, as soon as the new house gets fixed up. I detest the idea of having a step-father -I still think it's too soon after dad died for mom to get remarried- but if she has to, I'm glad it's Dave. That's all on that subject.
I'm gonna shut up now, after I type in this poem.
Max, this one is for you. You know.
How I long to touch your face
And to feel your lips on mine
To see your eyes that gaze on me
And to see your sparkling smile
How I long to hear your soft voice
gently speaking those three words
To smell your essence next to me
As you lovingly hold me close
Oh I long to taste your love
To feel so alive and free
Oh I want to be near you
And to have you close to me
Yes, written by me. So I am gonna shut up now. I think people are tired of listening to me rant.
But instead I am just the freak that acts all stupid. "Yeah, Katy's the one who wears anime shirts", or "Oh, her. She's not important"...Yes, I do have people tell me that. People tell me that I am not worth anything. I shouldn't let this get to me, and normally I don't. Sometimes the constant pressure on your skull gets through though. I was praying last night, and i suddenly realized that I am just as conceited as the rest of them. My favorite thing to say to myself when they're all being bitchy is "Oh, they're gonna be barefoot and pregnant by 20."..Yeah, it's most likely true, but I am still passing judgement on 'em. The same thing they are doing to me.
Ya know, some people might wonder why I am expressing everything on here, right where the entire world could see it, should they look. I'll tell you why. I have to tell someone, but I have maybe...one person, and that's Amy, who I can really tell about all these things. Yeah, I can also tell Max most things, but not everything. So I kinda vent here. Get over it now.
Anyways, back to my ranting. These people in my opressive idiots in the cesspool known as SHS are...well...Opressive. It's not like they tell us we can't so a lot of stuff, they're actually pretty lenient -we can even wear trenchcoats to school- but the atmosphere is like..argh. Everything revolves around sports, especially football. Drama club, when we put on the fall play, almost couldn't, due to people always using the gym, even on sunday afternoons. Then, the stupid PE coaches decided that they wanted to keep thier stuff on the stage...Luckily a few parents (like mom) got into thier faces. What bugs me is that fine arts get like..NO funding whatsoever, and they get mad at us when we try to do fundraisers. Football and other sports get a lot of money, but fine arts are shit in my school. I can understand that we don't bring in much money, but that is no reason to keep us in poverty while the football team gets new uniforms almost every year. *growls*
Now lets get onto my family. Yeah, my mom is pretty cool most of the time, but sometimes I just feel like hurting her. See, almost 3 years ago I was promised a brand new computer of my own. Have i got it yet? No. 'Cause she's too busy buying sewing stuff off of ebay, and buying my lil brother more lego's. At least I'll be getting this one, and I can deleate all her crap off of it. And Patrick's crap, too. On a good note, we bought a house, so at least I'll also be getting my own room soon. Oh it is so hard for a 17 year old to share a room with an 11 year old brother. But that's what I put up with. Le sigh.
And mom is getting married soon. A couple of months, as soon as the new house gets fixed up. I detest the idea of having a step-father -I still think it's too soon after dad died for mom to get remarried- but if she has to, I'm glad it's Dave. That's all on that subject.
I'm gonna shut up now, after I type in this poem.
Max, this one is for you. You know.
How I long to touch your face
And to feel your lips on mine
To see your eyes that gaze on me
And to see your sparkling smile
How I long to hear your soft voice
gently speaking those three words
To smell your essence next to me
As you lovingly hold me close
Oh I long to taste your love
To feel so alive and free
Oh I want to be near you
And to have you close to me
Yes, written by me. So I am gonna shut up now. I think people are tired of listening to me rant.
