katiroth: (Default)
Ok..time to go into a rant that I very often go into, and that's my desire to have a 'knight in shining armor' Ok, I know that there is no way in hell I will ever find some guy that's romantic, but that doesn't keep me from wishing. I just want someone to really want to..say..take me out on candelight dinner, or a walk in the park, or even just sit silently and watch a movie..a chick flick, thank you..^_^

And when I see things where a guy is totally romantic, I get even more depressed about it. For example, I beat Final Fantasy 9 Tuesday, and the ending..well, it almost made me cry. When Zidane comes back to *spoilers* Alexandria, and acts in the play, and so very romantically announces that he is alive, I was like..'whoa...not fair! Why can't I have someone who will do things like that?"

Which brings me to another semi-rant. How serious IS the relationship I'm currently in? I don't want to ask, because I'm scared of either answer. I mean..I'm almost 18, only two months away, so I'm naturally thinking of my future, but he's only 16, with a whole lot more time to find someone else.

On one hand, I want this to be at least semi-serious, where we talk about our future...but I don't know if I'm ready for anything like that, so I don't think he is.

And on the other hand, I'm scared of it being just a 'fling' because I really don't want my heart broken...it took too long for me to actually love someone for it all to get flushed down the toilet.

So there's my dilemna. It would all be wonderful if I could just like...marry Zidane or something...find someone romantic...but alas...all the damned romantic people are damned fictional characters.

Oh well. I suppose it could be worse.
katiroth: (Default)
I'm sick...I'm tired...I have to go to St. Louis tomorrow and I will prolly puke...but oh well. It could be worse. Mike could be coming along. He is so frickin' clingy and possessive...plus he's not getting a tux for prom. *grumbles* Yeah, that bugs me a bit. Yes, he has a nice suit..but still...the jerk could have saved some cash ya know! I'm paying for pictures...I'll prolly end up paying for dinner too.

Why am I so stupid, getting into a relationship that is so one sided? And yes...it's one sided on Mike's side. I'm so frickin worthless as a girlfriend. I just know that I'm destined to be alone forever. Yeah, sure I have Max...but still...what are the chances of anything coming out of it? Distance kills everything. Why must my life suck so?

And also, Shawn is the biggest jackass in the world. I know that I act like I don't care what people think, but I do. His words hurt. I know that I am not gorgeous...but I am not ugly either. Yet when someone thinks I am, it hurts so much. ...but does anyone care? Not really. Everyone is too wrapped up in thier own lives to even care about me. And the one who acts like he cares (ie Mike) I can't stand to be around for any longer than a few hours at a time...ot at school, a few minutes.

What is wrong with me? Why can't people understand? I do have feelings. I am not some robot or something that people can just talk about endlessly. Oh wait. They prolly don't talk about me. I'm even below their scorn.

Life sucks dead bears. I am sitting here at the damn computer crying my eyes out...all over something stupid like this. Why does it bother me?

And I just looooooove how after I dissapear from chat I don't even get an IM from Max...

As I said...life sucks dead bears.
katiroth: (Default)
Ok, I finally started this up again. Took me long enough, huh? Anyways, I just feel like writing. I'm depressed, and it's mostly Mike's fault right now. That selfish prick. This is how it happened-

We were sitting in class passing notes after we got our work done (well..it wasn't done, but that's not the point) Ok, so for the longest time he is asking me what i think love is...almost three months now. And he wants to know if I love him. So I say "yeah, friend, blah blah" and all that shizznat. Which doesn't thrill him too much. So once again we're talking about this (well, writing) and the conversation goes to my life. He's like "Katy, you're gonna get married early, get a job and raise a family"...To which I reply. "Yeah frickin right."...I have NO plans on raising a family at this time, or even getting married for that matter. I'm too much of a free spirit. So anyways, he's like "I know you, you will, all that stuff about not getting settled is bull shit."....So that makes me REALLY mad. No one tells me how I am going to live my life. Blah blah.

So now I'm a bit pissed. Then i write "You don't really know me that well." He's like "Yes I do"...

So then I gotta prove him wrong. I finally tell him about my battle with depression. He ignores that, and instead launches into a tirade about how sucky his life is. Now that wouldn't have been so bad if I had not just revealed something that was really bothering me, and that I need prayer (and therapy) for. Then the bells rings and he stomps out of the classroom. Justin (meh best friend) and Sylvia (his g/f) watch him go and are like...O.o...Well, so am I at this point. So I ignore him, and go to geometry. After class I tell Jessica about it. he sneaks up on my, tries to apologize, I blow him off with "You're not the only one who can storm away from class"...after school he tried again. I blew him off again. I'm just too pissed to talk to him. And should he call, my lil brother is on strict orders to say that I am not home.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I suppose that I should try and talk about something happy. Ok. I'm in love. Simple as that. So now I am going to shut up, and DL the bigger version of this so that I can put my song thingy...although..that might get scary. All kindsa anime music and j-pop. Eep.


katiroth: (Default)

October 2012



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