katiroth: (Default)
Let's see...I tried to post the other night, but livejournal decided to be a bitch.

So anyway, the other day, I was ready to kill Cody. See...before this year, I was always the short, unpopular kid...and every time someone would say "Hey Katy..so-and-so thinks you're hot"..it was always a cruel joke. So ..um..Monday, I think, Cody is like "Katy, Trevor thinks you're hot!"

I don't even know who the hell Trevor is. >.>

What makes me mad is that Cody goes to my church..and is all nice to me there, but once he's with his friends, he acts like a bastard.

And I have a new anime obsession. Cowboy Bebop. Lissie lent me her DVD's...the entire (UNEDITED) series..and I just have three more episodes to watch. Spike is just...cool, as is Faye..and Ein, and Ed..and Jet......and Vicious is my Sephy with short hair :D Now I want to start RPing bounty hunters. >.<

*thinks for a moment* Yeah..this is a short post...that's all I have to talk about. Oooh..Evenescene kicks all ass...and I have another Quiz Bowl tourny tomorrow.

And snow is the spawn of satan.

See you space cowboy...
katiroth: (Default)
I had an interesting dream last night. I was in ancient Rome, with..I think...James Bond, whatshisface bad-guy from X-Men, Wolverine's arch enemy (from watching X-Men last night)...and someone else I don't recognize. So anyway..we're in Ancient Rome, being chased bt Emperor Commenus (Not real one, Gladiator one)...which is scary, because he's...well..scary. So we're running from him...wandering through the...get this..were going Greek for a moment, the Parthenon..and then we go back to the Colosseum...and we're basically running for our lives.

But then...at the end...Commenus becomes a Christian. So I'm waking up going "coool..."

Because this gives me hope. Hope that my prayers get answered. I don't really know if I should take it as a sign or whutnot...but I am kinda happy about it. It's...oh, I can't explain it. Let's just leave it at hope. :)

So anyway..in other news..I FINALLY sent off my application to SMS...but I'm not all that worried about getting in. After all, a 26 on my ACT and a 3.75 gpa is muuuuch more than enough to get into a state school. But..c'est la vie. The American Musical and Dramatic Academy called me tonight, asking if I was going to audition...I almost started crying. There's just absolutly no way possible that I could pay for it. I'm going to have a hard enough time paying for SMSU! I want to act so badly...I think I have a chance of getting in...but still...I don't have the money, and most likely never will. By the time I do have enough, I'll be an old lady. They're going to have enough old people in the movies by then. Sigh.

And..um...eh...SWFL is alive again. This is a good thing. Now...if only Mooky and Chris would get off thier asses so I can bring Raine outa limbo...I want to RP her, dammit! But then again, Bossman gave me the goahead to play Miycah...so here comes homicidal Sith Chick. Bwuah.

Oooh...in other RP related news..Damry and Keiran are back together after he followed her to the ends of the galaxy (literally!) It was sweet...I know for once I did the right thing with my character.

But I know as they hammered those nails
Into your beautiful hands
Your eyes they tried to search for mine
But I look away
Now your eyes are the only thing that can save me
I'm still afraid of them piercin'
You're breakin' into my prison
Just pretended for a while
My soul is dying and I walk away
katiroth: (Default)
It's time for another mini-life lesson. Sorta, I guess. So here's the question.

Who am I? What am I? Where do I belong? When will I know? Why the hell is it taking so long to figure out?

There, the whole journalists list of questions. Mom would be proud, if she ever saw it. Anyway...I guess I must complain for a little bit, but I promise this won't be too long. I'm really too lazy to type much tonight. So..to start. Who am I? Sometimes I think I know, but then other times...I'm so clueless it isn't even funny. Like the other night. Now...I know some people who read this are going to laugh, but after watching Sweet Home Alabama...I really started thinking. If I do get the chance to fulfill my dream and act...how will it change me? I watched Melanie (the main character...Damn, I really dislike chick flicks...(despite being a chick)..but this was good enough to remember the protagonists name)....So anyway, I watched Melanie turn from a loveable hick to a New York bitch. ...And I wondered...Could that happen to me? Yeah, I'm pretty bitchy online, but IRL..I'm pretty nice. So...am I willing to risk losing that one part of myself that I know is real? Maybe....maybe not.

But that brings me to question # 3. (we're skipping 2..I do know I am Empress Katarina Decimus...aka Princess Aty-Aty...aka Space Kitty....aka many many MANY other nicknames..)...Where DO I belong? Could I belong in the big city...back in Chicago, or even New York? Is that where I'm meant to be? Or am I supposed to live in hicksville forever?....damn, I hope not. >.> ...But when will I figure it out?...I'm 18 years old! I'm legally an adult, yet I have no clue what the hell I'm doing with my life. I want to be an actress...fat chance....I want to professionally write...another fat chance. I want to be an archaeologist...or even anthropologist...but with the damned war about to happen, will I have to go to college for a "practical" job?

Sigh. Life is confusing. And I am soooooooo thirsty...O.o
katiroth: (Default)
Today on the way to school..(or was it yesterday?) my mom and I were talking about college, and NHS (National Honor Society) and basically everything about college life. We talked about how no longer will any of the people I know...or myself...be the top person in the class. It kinda made me think...what is going to happen when I leave in August. It's kinda scary, because I really don't know if I can get along in the real world. I've lived a fairly sheltered life...sure, I've gone through more than many people my age have, but still...I'm scared to death of the telephone (well...I just hate it, I'm not scared of it) and I'm generally anti-social. I want to do the whole drama thing again in college...but I'm also afraid of rejection...which is part of the reason that I'm not sending any of my stuff in to be published.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm so afraid of people. Maybe it's the whole not wanting to get close to a person only to be hurt...or maybe I don't really care. I seriously don't know. I don't know a lot of things. I don't know what I really want to do with my life. I don't know why stupid things set me off like they do. I don't know what's going on in my relationship, and I simply do not know why I'm bothering to type this, seeing as no one will actually read it. Oh well...c'est lavie.

So I'm simply going to shut up, because I really don't have anything constructive to say.
katiroth: (Default)
I don't even wanna know how long it's been since I've updated this....I know it's been months or so. Shrug. Live with it, I don't like keeping journals to begin with, because I always feel guilty when I ignore them. c'est lavie. Too late now. I'm slowly getting past the stage where everything needs to be done for other people. It's going slowly, but hopefully soon I'll be able to rid myself of that weakness.

Oh, who the hell am I kidding? A person can't live without praise, and feeling as though they're liked for being cool or doing something. I suppose they could but it would be a rather ...sad existence. How can a person not feel the joy of knowing that they're accepted for something? I can understand not caring out say...what the preps think, but to just answer to yourself...well...I guess some people can, but I know I can't. I need to feel loved and needed, and I like it when people think what I do is peachy keen.

Alright...off that subject..this last week has been.....interesting. Depressing, uplifting, and downright weird at times. Last Saturday, at Wash U, we got stomped...but then Nicole has been really happy about going to church with me...and my contemporary issues project is going to slowly...and I had a huge fight with Max, and I generally hate the human race.

Whoa....yeah...just the normal stuff...and seeing as it's 12:49 by my computer clock, and I have church in the morning, I should most likely flee now. I might actually...gasp...update this tomorrow.
katiroth: (Default)
Ok..time to go into a rant that I very often go into, and that's my desire to have a 'knight in shining armor' Ok, I know that there is no way in hell I will ever find some guy that's romantic, but that doesn't keep me from wishing. I just want someone to really want to..say..take me out on candelight dinner, or a walk in the park, or even just sit silently and watch a movie..a chick flick, thank you..^_^

And when I see things where a guy is totally romantic, I get even more depressed about it. For example, I beat Final Fantasy 9 Tuesday, and the ending..well, it almost made me cry. When Zidane comes back to *spoilers* Alexandria, and acts in the play, and so very romantically announces that he is alive, I was like..'whoa...not fair! Why can't I have someone who will do things like that?"

Which brings me to another semi-rant. How serious IS the relationship I'm currently in? I don't want to ask, because I'm scared of either answer. I mean..I'm almost 18, only two months away, so I'm naturally thinking of my future, but he's only 16, with a whole lot more time to find someone else.

On one hand, I want this to be at least semi-serious, where we talk about our future...but I don't know if I'm ready for anything like that, so I don't think he is.

And on the other hand, I'm scared of it being just a 'fling' because I really don't want my heart broken...it took too long for me to actually love someone for it all to get flushed down the toilet.

So there's my dilemna. It would all be wonderful if I could just like...marry Zidane or something...find someone romantic...but alas...all the damned romantic people are damned fictional characters.

Oh well. I suppose it could be worse.
katiroth: (Default)
For those of you out there who don't know, I live a double life. On one side I am the happy-go-lucky high school student who doesn't care what people think. That me is Mike's girlfriend, Justin and Sylvia's best friend...teacher's pet in most classes, and top honor student.

But in my other life, the 'fake' one...I am who I really am. I am the scared person who needs people, I am the angsty and slightly depressed teenager. And in this 'non-reality' I have found love.

But right now I need to talk about my 'real' life. Sometimes I really wonder if Sylvia didn't get mixed up with the whole boyfriend thing. Mike is possessive as hell..she likes that, I hate it. Justin likes his freedom, I love mine too. Sylvia wants someone there all the time, as does Mike. I like to just go around and do what I want. Same for Justin. And it seems as though Mike and Sylvia spend more time together..and I KNOW Justin and I spend more time together. *shrugs* pretty annoying, actually.

Ugh. Life is so confusing. At least there is one thing I am sure of.

I really do love.

But yet at the same time, I am so scared to lose him...it scares me to death.

So anyway...since I am on borrowed time, I'm going to shut up.

And one more thing...opening night is tomorrow night. Whoooeee! Katy gets to dress all goth-girl like for the play! *dances off into the ever-poetic night*
katiroth: (Default)
Whoo hoo. I am in sooo much of a better mood today. Yeah, sure I almost passed out in PE, and felt sick enough to skip church, but I feel quite a bit better.

Well, last night at 10, mom comes home and starts yelling at me for being on the computer...we get into it for about an hour....BUT...because of our lil... argument.. I am getting a car, a job, an allowance, a computer, and soon a PS2. Muah. I can be so manipulative at times. But YIPPI! A car! If I had a frickin car, then I would ahve a life. but my mom didn't understand that until last night. Oh well, it's ok now.

I also decided today that I love Orlando Bloom. So dreamy...ooh..yum..er..Uh, anyways, I finally got the LotR movie guide that I have wanted for...forever..and I just spent all evening staring at him as Legolas. I almost gotta feel sorry for Orli. He goes from being a relative unknown to having a HUGE rabid fan girl base. But I love his hair. Yeah. he looks kickass with the blonde wig..but when we get to the black mohawk...ooooh....yum..erm. I really should stop that. People might think I have turned into a stereotypical teenager. one in love with a movie star.

Well you know what? I don't really give a flying rat's ass if you think I'm 'stereotypical' or not. For once I need to be normal and develop a crush on a movie star. Live with it.

Anyways, this is my song for tonight. Then I'm gonna shut up and RP.

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to Heaven that I'll ever be
And I Don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
And I don't want to miss you tonight.

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't comin'
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Now if on;y my Cloud would get his ass back in chat....


katiroth: (Default)

October 2012



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