katiroth: (Default)
A silent spectator, can't do a damn thing
Must stay content to watch
But contentment is something that simply won't come
Can't stop the shaking and the tears

The moon crashed down
But I couldn't do a thing
Just sat and watched
And cried and prayed.

Why won't this prayer be answered?
Or maybe...why won't it be answered how I want it to be.

Both killed by a lie.

One simple little lie, just to convince myself
Convince myself that what was real-
Is real
was a lie.

And now only one question remains.

Does familiarity breed contempt?
katiroth: (Default)
Monsters crawling everywhere
Over skin and through the hair
Into the soul and out the mind

Scary monsters
ones of hate and lust and greed
No..not greed, just the first two.
Hating monsters, Lusting monsters
Yes..maybe greed as well.

Greedy, wanting what they cannot have
So they fill my heart with doubt and fear
Hating monsters, an offspring of greed.
And lust filled ones-
They try to decieve me.

Go away, vile things
Your presense is not wanted here
With you in here I die every day.



....Yeah. Short one. Meh.
katiroth: (Default)
Confidante
Carrying everyone else
Bearing the burden
listening, watching, sighing

Dying inside
the confidante
she makes up excuses
to hide how she feels

After all, her thoughts aren't her own
Shared by the hordes
All of whom talk
never listen
Only take
Never give.

She's tired
But won't back down
feelings continue to be buried inside
As the smile outside faces the world
She's tired
But she'll keep on listening

Listening until deafness steals into her life.

When emptiness becomes divine.

Confidante, keep listening to me
Keep burying the feelings deep down
Don't give into jealousy
Remember your place.

You exist to bring comfort
Though that comfort will never be yours.
Smile, be happy.

After all,
if you know it
you can get used to it
And stop dying inside

Wait. No.
You can't.
Overwhelmed by yourself
You keep
nodding
smiling
hating
crying
loving
sighing
giving
and dying.

Confidante, don't give up
you are truly a special one
Maybe one day you'll find your own
And put on her
what you now hold.
katiroth: (Default)
Whee. 'Nother stream of consciousness post.

Lost.
Traveling alone, no one can find you
Not even me.
No one can see you
No one can touch you
Except maybe...no.
Not even her.

So tired of this
The nodding
The smiles
You watch them all fade around you
Until nothing is real
Nothing is good.
Everything is fake and wrong.

A wall is built
Even I'm not let in
I knock..knock...knock
Standing there at the doorstep
Trying so hard to get in.

Maybe it's not you I'm after
Maybe it's myself.
Maybe I'm seeking to destroy the demons
that lurk within us both.

You and I
We're much the same
But who is lost
And who is found?
katiroth: (Default)
Waiting for a sign
Never gonna get one
Fear runs too rampant in us all
Will to be happy
Overshadowed
by the knowledge that we could be wrong.

I don't want to be wrong.
I want to spill my heart
spill my soul.
Speaking my mind
letting my dreams come true.

But if wrong?
No, can't handle that pain.
Too much in the past
too afraid to look to the future
So forever wallowing in the present with no direction
Too frightened by reality
to hope my desires are real.

Still, don't know myself enough
to know if what I feel is real
If this is where I'm supposed to be.
Praying.
Asking.
Searching.
Begging.
All for the path to take.

Why can't it be together?
Maybe it can, but still waiting for the sign
The one that will never come.
katiroth: (Default)
Tonight Corinne was talking on the phone to someone, and she said something like "None of the guys I'm attacted to are partiers. The ones at the club..none of them really..jumped out at me." ..And then I came to a realization. While different..mine and her situation is much the same. The guys the show interest in me..I don't like...yet the ones I like? Well..they either don't know I exist, or aren't looking for a relationship...or something of the sort. So I'm now wondering if I'm just being picky.

I mean...I'm wondering if I should just go with someone that really cares about me, even though I don't care so much, rather than waiting for 'Mr. Right." ...But then again, if I'm not happy...well..I can't pretend forever. Or maybe I can, but I'd be miserable.

You know...that really is a dumb question. I mean...Of course I'm never going to put up with being with a guy I don't like..I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I'm really pessimistic right now. I mean..I know I'm young and whutnot, and that I have time, but still..it's annoying me. I suppose we all go through days like this though. I'd really like to know the answers though.

But at least I'm working on my whole self-esteem problem. Tonight at bible study Jenny was really supportive. So..slowly I'm working on that. And as soon as I get money, I'm going to go shopping and get clothes that *I* like, not what is nessecarily the fashion. I mean..I'm not one of the 'normal' girls, so why should I dress like them? Hmm..Just need to figure out how to make electrical tape work right..*coughs* That and last night Kyle said "Since when do you care about what people think of you?"...and I guess he's right. I need to stop it. When I didn't care, I was happy, but now that i do (sorta) I'm miserable again.

So...maybe I will wear black lipstick tomorrow. Maybe I will dye my hair pink and black and purple.

And maybe the answers will come.


--

Childhood memories
Happy days
Happy songs
Simple back then
Can't ever be simple again.

Stick out your tongue at the ones you didn't like
or that you did
Now you'd be branded strange
But maybe such a simple action
From the time of childhood
is all that this world needs

Just stick out your tongue
Maybe they'll stick it out back
That meant they actually liked you
And you secretly liked them.

Simple back then.
Not like now
When you have to toss and turn
Fighting your fears and tears
Just to let them know
You either hate them or love them.

I want my childhood back
I want things to be simple again.
katiroth: (Default)
Catch me
Before I fall forever
Save me
rescue my heart from being severed
Love me
Don't you ever say never

Rhyming lines
Nursery songs
Library fines

Soul in a casket
buried underneath
Flame in a basket
Sword in a sheath

Whoever said rhymes were the way
Needs to get out from under that sway
As for me, to that, I say nay.

*coughs* Feel free to ignore the little poem thingy. ^_^ Don't know WHERE that one came from


-----

Frustrated, still can't decide
How to share
If I want to share
Or if I want to stay inside
Calmly playing make-believe
While the world passes me by

Mind so confused
Heart and soul too
Still playing with my little dolls
Where happiness
Excitement
Adventure
it's all theirs.

Jealous.
Of the dolls, of the whores.

Jealous of the whores?
maybe harlot's they're not
but they certainly have my attention
And the attention of someone else.

Do I want attention?
Or is it just human nature to want what we cannot have.

Maybe.
But I don't know what is mine to take
And what to stay away from.
What I want to be mine belongs to someone else
Or does it...
Not quite.
Still jealous though.

The precious item belongs to no one
Yet still I'm jealous of those who have it.
Interesting.

Happy dolls.
Happy whores
Unhappy me.

Maybe.
Still a struggle to know.
katiroth: (Default)
Freudian slip
Maybe I want to make one
Maybe I want the world to know
How I really feel
What I really want.

No. Maybe not.
Still scared to death
BUt fighting to let it be known

But is this really what I feel?
I can't answer that
because I really don't know.
I want to believe it
Or do I...
I don't know.

I don't know a lot of things.
I don't know how to understand my heart
How to understand my soul
How to understand my mind.

But right now I know.
At least I think I do.
So maybe I can let it slip one day

Maybe.
Or maybe I'll stay in this little box
Safe
But alone.
katiroth: (Default)
So many songs in my head
each with a meaning of their own
Every time I hear one
I think of someone else
Think, wonder, pray.

Future.
Still wondering where it will go
Is that all I ever think about?
No.
I think about a whole lot more
Stuff I don't think I can ever say

Maybe I can.
Someday.

Fear again.
Hell, Just a coward.
Spineless
Scared of everything
Even myself

Any choice is better than Spain
Said that before, said it again.
Any choice is better than living the way they want me to
As long as I don't want to live like that
Yep.

Maybe laughter can help
Although I really don't think it's the best medicine.

Friendship is.
katiroth: (Default)
Anyway...this is completely stolen from Kyle. I never woulda thought of writing something like this had he not said something and posted his own. So yeah. Stream of consciousness thing. I take no responsibility for what I say. >.> This could get...scary. <.<

Oral fixation says Freud, spoon in my mouth
Oh, weather adivsory
Snow.
Yuck.
Wait, no school. Yay....

Any choice is better than Spain
Why are the lights in my mind blinking?
Where oh where does the future go.

So many questions, so few answers.
When will I find my place
Where will I go from here
Who will I spend it with.

Still chewing on the spoon.

Wondering still where things will go
Wondering when it will all come together

Oh. fireworks.
Fireworks, beautiful, explosive.
Not knowing what to write, wondering why the words are so weird.
And still chewing on the spoon.

Scared.
Of what?
Even I don't know
commitement?
Future?
Being the same?
Not being the same?

Wings.
I want wings.
Fly away, leave the world behind
forget everyone but the ones I love

Hmm. The ones I love
Who are they?
Why do I have so many questions
and why must I kee answering with a question.

Weird cooincidences
Stemming from different people
What's real?
What's not,

Meh.

Maybe life will show me eventually.
Maybe not.

Tradition.
Dancing.
I should stop watching this movie.
INfecting my thoughts

It's not always good to be a hopeless romantic.

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katiroth

October 2012

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