So I'm not going to say anything. Seriously don't expect me around much this week for work and those other reasons. I just don't have the strength right now to deal with it.
So I'm not going to say anything. Seriously don't expect me around much this week for work and those other reasons. I just don't have the strength right now to deal with it.
I love that song. 'tis the ending theme of X/1999, but I posted it in English, so people could actually understand it. Anyway, I'm still kind..mehish. Next week will be the week from hell, too. >.< Monday will be okay. Pysch, Ethics, Spanish...Tuesday through Sunday...eh...complete 'nother story. I discovered that I shall have to cut Anthro and Computers to work wardrobe for Miss Saigon..and then Wednesday should be all right, normal class stuff...but Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday..and Sunday, I believe, I get to work the show. Sigh. I'm almost afraid to, because if Brian puts me somewhere where I don't know how to do something..ergh. I'll just die.
I'm already having nightmares about it. Last night I dreamt that I was working the show and the performing all got sick, but the show had to go on, so we techies were given scripts and told to go out there. >.> Normally that would be like.."OMG! I AM SO HAPPY!" but the performers that weren't sick were so snotty to us and I tried to use a fan to hide the script, but they took that away and made me use a folder. O.o ...So then I'm trying to get my lines out, but the book isn't highlighted and the stage is dark, so I screw up.
Sigh. At least it is completely impossible for that to happen..but I'm still scared about that show. I've never worked a huge show, just the symphony and small venues. I just don't want to screw up.
At least I got the party at Amy's this weekend. :)
I just can't write anything. My muse is so dead. -_-; I can barely scratch out an RP post...tonight I completely blew some girl off because frankly...I could not think of a thing for Izella to do. I barely talked to Kyle, barely talked to Ryan, barely talked to Max.
I haven't even been chatt-y. I made a few random useless posts on Shinra and UFF9 (Oh, when I feel like writing, I could rant about UFF9 for a bit. :) *waits for CK to come and beat her now*)...Last night I did write something worthwhile, but meh.
Maybe I'm doing slightly better graphics wise. I did make an awesome Jean Grey tag...and an even awesome-er stoned Yoda tag..but I am feeling insanely inadequate.
Work tomorrow. Meeting with Spanish professor tomorrow. Another day wondering exctly where my life is going. I have no clue -_-; Oh. If anyone wants to send me $2,000, I'd be happy to take it. That way I don't have to take out anothe loan just to pay for next semester. :(
Sigh. Life is frickin' complicated right now.
Blah. I need a life. Desperatly. I mean..I'm bummed because a guy I don't even know in real life is blowing me off. Sure, I'd consider him a really good friend anyway..but these last few weeks, since he's been busy trying to sort out his girl problems, I've been practically ignored. Something is wrong with me if I'm taking that badly. -_- Meh. At least the anime club meeting was awesome last night and everything is going marvelously with myself and Max.
Still...blargh. I'm hurt because of that stuff with that friend.
It's not the same here. Half the time I waste money and get chinese or pizza rather than sit in that damned cafeteria by myself. -_-
Meh. It's not like I'm the ugliest person on campus, or that I smell or something. It's just that I don't like going up to strangers and sitting with them...especially since that's what I did the first two weeks of school until I realized that I never saw these people again.
So yeah...I kept telling myself that it'll be better next year...but now I don't think it will be. I shouldn't be so gullible.
But then...at the end...Commenus becomes a Christian. So I'm waking up going "coool..."
Because this gives me hope. Hope that my prayers get answered. I don't really know if I should take it as a sign or whutnot...but I am kinda happy about it. It's...oh, I can't explain it. Let's just leave it at hope. :)
So anyway..in other news..I FINALLY sent off my application to SMS...but I'm not all that worried about getting in. After all, a 26 on my ACT and a 3.75 gpa is muuuuch more than enough to get into a state school. But..c'est la vie. The American Musical and Dramatic Academy called me tonight, asking if I was going to audition...I almost started crying. There's just absolutly no way possible that I could pay for it. I'm going to have a hard enough time paying for SMSU! I want to act so badly...I think I have a chance of getting in...but still...I don't have the money, and most likely never will. By the time I do have enough, I'll be an old lady. They're going to have enough old people in the movies by then. Sigh.
And..um...eh...SWFL is alive again. This is a good thing. Now...if only Mooky and Chris would get off thier asses so I can bring Raine outa limbo...I want to RP her, dammit! But then again, Bossman gave me the goahead to play Miycah...so here comes homicidal Sith Chick. Bwuah.
Oooh...in other RP related news..Damry and Keiran are back together after he followed her to the ends of the galaxy (literally!) It was sweet...I know for once I did the right thing with my character.
Into your beautiful hands
Your eyes they tried to search for mine
But I look away
Now your eyes are the only thing that can save me
I'm still afraid of them piercin'
You're breakin' into my prison
Just pretended for a while
My soul is dying and I walk away
Who am I? What am I? Where do I belong? When will I know? Why the hell is it taking so long to figure out?
There, the whole journalists list of questions. Mom would be proud, if she ever saw it. Anyway...I guess I must complain for a little bit, but I promise this won't be too long. I'm really too lazy to type much tonight. So..to start. Who am I? Sometimes I think I know, but then other times...I'm so clueless it isn't even funny. Like the other night. Now...I know some people who read this are going to laugh, but after watching Sweet Home Alabama...I really started thinking. If I do get the chance to fulfill my dream and act...how will it change me? I watched Melanie (the main character...Damn, I really dislike chick flicks...(despite being a chick)..but this was good enough to remember the protagonists name)....So anyway, I watched Melanie turn from a loveable hick to a New York bitch. ...And I wondered...Could that happen to me? Yeah, I'm pretty bitchy online, but IRL..I'm pretty nice. So...am I willing to risk losing that one part of myself that I know is real? Maybe....maybe not.
But that brings me to question # 3. (we're skipping 2..I do know I am Empress Katarina Decimus...aka Princess Aty-Aty...aka Space Kitty....aka many many MANY other nicknames..)...Where DO I belong? Could I belong in the big city...back in Chicago, or even New York? Is that where I'm meant to be? Or am I supposed to live in hicksville forever?....damn, I hope not. >.> ...But when will I figure it out?...I'm 18 years old! I'm legally an adult, yet I have no clue what the hell I'm doing with my life. I want to be an actress...fat chance....I want to professionally write...another fat chance. I want to be an archaeologist...or even anthropologist...but with the damned war about to happen, will I have to go to college for a "practical" job?
Sigh. Life is confusing. And I am soooooooo thirsty...O.o
By dressing exactly like these bands and such....isn't that conforming? Damn...be your OWN person for once. Don't try to be something you're not. I hate it when people think they have to be exactly like someone else to be accepted. And yes...while Elane is certainly unique in our school...She's still not in the rest of the world. There are thousands upon thousands of people exactly like her in the way they dress, talk, and listen to music. As Xero, from UFF9 likes to say.. "You're unique. Just like everyone else."
Sigh. That brings up another point. Am I a hyprocrite for talking about Elane that way? Can I call myself a non-poser? Maybe, maybe not. I listen to whatever I like...and it doesn't matter if the band is a 'sellout' or not...if I like it, that's what matters. I also dress how I want to dress. But because I don't go blatantly out of style with my clothing...well, according to people like Elane, I'm not cool enough to be around. Grumble. So my mother won't let me dye my hair purple...at least I have a job opportunity. She says "Oh, I'll just work at Hot Topic.."....You and the rest of the posers out there with the green hair.
Hot Topic. That store simply drives me insane. Everyone, including a few of the preppier people at my school are like "Oh my gosh! it is like..the kewlest store out there!"...And yes, I know they don't actually say "kewl" but they're the kinda people who DO type that stuff. And yes...it also includes "U" "R" "2" and other such disgusting displays of a lack of intelligence....Eh, back on subject. Don't these people understand that Hot Topic is just as much of a tool of society as the Gap! Overcharging for punk and goth clothing...when half the people don't even know the meaning! I will admit that I am neither, so I have little room to talk, but these wannabe's just...drive me insane.
Hmm...maybe I'm being a little harsh. After all, I could seriously be called a hypocrite for this...but you know what? To hell with all of you people who judge me, for whatever reason. It could be because I'm slightly overweight. Well..screw you, I've lost about 20 pounds healthily in the last 2 months, unlike you who puke it up, or don't eat at all. I am closer to my ideal weight than ever before...and even though I was never obese to begin with...I am still healthier than you. But ooooh...you 110 pound people always bewailing that you're "soooo fat". Go suck a dead bear. So my hair isn't picture perfect every day. Zippideedoodaday. I prefer not to get up at 4:30 am just to make every strand of hair do exactly what it's supposed to. Ha...just wait until your hair falls out from all the crap you put into it! ....Oooh...and let's not forget the clothing issue. I don't wear Abercrombie and Fitch. Get over it.
Yes, I am being a little too overbearing, but live with it. To quote the infamous song...
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
and I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way
And oooh..Rome kicks all ass.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm so afraid of people. Maybe it's the whole not wanting to get close to a person only to be hurt...or maybe I don't really care. I seriously don't know. I don't know a lot of things. I don't know what I really want to do with my life. I don't know why stupid things set me off like they do. I don't know what's going on in my relationship, and I simply do not know why I'm bothering to type this, seeing as no one will actually read it. Oh well...c'est lavie.
So I'm simply going to shut up, because I really don't have anything constructive to say.
Oh, who the hell am I kidding? A person can't live without praise, and feeling as though they're liked for being cool or doing something. I suppose they could but it would be a rather ...sad existence. How can a person not feel the joy of knowing that they're accepted for something? I can understand not caring out say...what the preps think, but to just answer to yourself...well...I guess some people can, but I know I can't. I need to feel loved and needed, and I like it when people think what I do is peachy keen.
Alright...off that subject..this last week has been.....interesting. Depressing, uplifting, and downright weird at times. Last Saturday, at Wash U, we got stomped...but then Nicole has been really happy about going to church with me...and my contemporary issues project is going to slowly...and I had a huge fight with Max, and I generally hate the human race.
Whoa....yeah...just the normal stuff...and seeing as it's 12:49 by my computer clock, and I have church in the morning, I should most likely flee now. I might actually...gasp...update this tomorrow.
And when I see things where a guy is totally romantic, I get even more depressed about it. For example, I beat Final Fantasy 9 Tuesday, and the ending..well, it almost made me cry. When Zidane comes back to *spoilers* Alexandria, and acts in the play, and so very romantically announces that he is alive, I was like..'whoa...not fair! Why can't I have someone who will do things like that?"
Which brings me to another semi-rant. How serious IS the relationship I'm currently in? I don't want to ask, because I'm scared of either answer. I mean..I'm almost 18, only two months away, so I'm naturally thinking of my future, but he's only 16, with a whole lot more time to find someone else.
On one hand, I want this to be at least semi-serious, where we talk about our future...but I don't know if I'm ready for anything like that, so I don't think he is.
And on the other hand, I'm scared of it being just a 'fling' because I really don't want my heart broken...it took too long for me to actually love someone for it all to get flushed down the toilet.
So there's my dilemna. It would all be wonderful if I could just like...marry Zidane or something...find someone romantic...but alas...all the damned romantic people are damned fictional characters.
Oh well. I suppose it could be worse.
Why am I so stupid, getting into a relationship that is so one sided? And yes...it's one sided on Mike's side. I'm so frickin worthless as a girlfriend. I just know that I'm destined to be alone forever. Yeah, sure I have Max...but still...what are the chances of anything coming out of it? Distance kills everything. Why must my life suck so?
And also, Shawn is the biggest jackass in the world. I know that I act like I don't care what people think, but I do. His words hurt. I know that I am not gorgeous...but I am not ugly either. Yet when someone thinks I am, it hurts so much. ...but does anyone care? Not really. Everyone is too wrapped up in thier own lives to even care about me. And the one who acts like he cares (ie Mike) I can't stand to be around for any longer than a few hours at a time...ot at school, a few minutes.
What is wrong with me? Why can't people understand? I do have feelings. I am not some robot or something that people can just talk about endlessly. Oh wait. They prolly don't talk about me. I'm even below their scorn.
Life sucks dead bears. I am sitting here at the damn computer crying my eyes out...all over something stupid like this. Why does it bother me?
And I just looooooove how after I dissapear from chat I don't even get an IM from Max...
As I said...life sucks dead bears.
But in my other life, the 'fake' one...I am who I really am. I am the scared person who needs people, I am the angsty and slightly depressed teenager. And in this 'non-reality' I have found love.
But right now I need to talk about my 'real' life. Sometimes I really wonder if Sylvia didn't get mixed up with the whole boyfriend thing. Mike is possessive as hell..she likes that, I hate it. Justin likes his freedom, I love mine too. Sylvia wants someone there all the time, as does Mike. I like to just go around and do what I want. Same for Justin. And it seems as though Mike and Sylvia spend more time together..and I KNOW Justin and I spend more time together. *shrugs* pretty annoying, actually.
Ugh. Life is so confusing. At least there is one thing I am sure of.
I really do love.
But yet at the same time, I am so scared to lose him...it scares me to death.
So anyway...since I am on borrowed time, I'm going to shut up.
And one more thing...opening night is tomorrow night. Whoooeee! Katy gets to dress all goth-girl like for the play! *dances off into the ever-poetic night*
But instead I am just the freak that acts all stupid. "Yeah, Katy's the one who wears anime shirts", or "Oh, her. She's not important"...Yes, I do have people tell me that. People tell me that I am not worth anything. I shouldn't let this get to me, and normally I don't. Sometimes the constant pressure on your skull gets through though. I was praying last night, and i suddenly realized that I am just as conceited as the rest of them. My favorite thing to say to myself when they're all being bitchy is "Oh, they're gonna be barefoot and pregnant by 20."..Yeah, it's most likely true, but I am still passing judgement on 'em. The same thing they are doing to me.
Ya know, some people might wonder why I am expressing everything on here, right where the entire world could see it, should they look. I'll tell you why. I have to tell someone, but I have maybe...one person, and that's Amy, who I can really tell about all these things. Yeah, I can also tell Max most things, but not everything. So I kinda vent here. Get over it now.
Anyways, back to my ranting. These people in my opressive idiots in the cesspool known as SHS are...well...Opressive. It's not like they tell us we can't so a lot of stuff, they're actually pretty lenient -we can even wear trenchcoats to school- but the atmosphere is like..argh. Everything revolves around sports, especially football. Drama club, when we put on the fall play, almost couldn't, due to people always using the gym, even on sunday afternoons. Then, the stupid PE coaches decided that they wanted to keep thier stuff on the stage...Luckily a few parents (like mom) got into thier faces. What bugs me is that fine arts get like..NO funding whatsoever, and they get mad at us when we try to do fundraisers. Football and other sports get a lot of money, but fine arts are shit in my school. I can understand that we don't bring in much money, but that is no reason to keep us in poverty while the football team gets new uniforms almost every year. *growls*
Now lets get onto my family. Yeah, my mom is pretty cool most of the time, but sometimes I just feel like hurting her. See, almost 3 years ago I was promised a brand new computer of my own. Have i got it yet? No. 'Cause she's too busy buying sewing stuff off of ebay, and buying my lil brother more lego's. At least I'll be getting this one, and I can deleate all her crap off of it. And Patrick's crap, too. On a good note, we bought a house, so at least I'll also be getting my own room soon. Oh it is so hard for a 17 year old to share a room with an 11 year old brother. But that's what I put up with. Le sigh.
And mom is getting married soon. A couple of months, as soon as the new house gets fixed up. I detest the idea of having a step-father -I still think it's too soon after dad died for mom to get remarried- but if she has to, I'm glad it's Dave. That's all on that subject.
I'm gonna shut up now, after I type in this poem.
Max, this one is for you. You know.
How I long to touch your face
And to feel your lips on mine
To see your eyes that gaze on me
And to see your sparkling smile
How I long to hear your soft voice
gently speaking those three words
To smell your essence next to me
As you lovingly hold me close
Oh I long to taste your love
To feel so alive and free
Oh I want to be near you
And to have you close to me
Yes, written by me. So I am gonna shut up now. I think people are tired of listening to me rant.
Then everything happened. Through a friend, we indirectly admitted things....(Thanks Sis)...we kept flirting with each other...until last night. Then we actually said it....and kept flirting.
Then I get online after play practice. I check AIM first, and he's not on, so I turn on YIM...His friend is online, and within moments, delivers me a message from him. Basically, I have no way to contact him at all...he's grounded from everything.
Ok, Now I think everyone knows who it is I am talking about...but I'm still not naming names. And I am so going to shut up now.
But then again...what do I REALLY want? Do I really want someone to hold me..to love me..or do I really just want to be left alone, to live out this miserable existance known as my life? Dammit, I AM miserable...I don't know what I really want. I even find myself doubting my faith in God..and that scares me. I don't know what to do...
I finally got today what I thought I wanted..and you know...as of right now, it is still what I want. For more than a year, i wanted this one thing..and now I have it...but it ended up hurting someone else beyond words..So now I am wondering if it is really what is good for me. DAMMIT I hate hurting people!
The good things of yesterday are eclipsed by this..