katiroth: (not always nice)
I feel disconnected.
katiroth: (Default)
It's kinda weird, how things tend to eventually work out. And how the little things that are good can really make your day. The weather today, for instance. Ooh. 70 degrees..normally no big deal..but in the middle of February...? Definitely awesome. Had to be taken advantage of. So I *gasp* spent time outside..but in doing so, realized how screwed up Damry's history is and how much I'm going to have to edit out when I finally get around to writing her whole story. However, I have made a few decisions for things that go bye-bye..and I realized that my character was a whore. O.o ...Okay, so not really, but damn..her boyfriend count is high..but then again...3 of the 6..no..3.5 of the six were from my uber-newb days, so they can't be held against me.

Ooh. I did have one somewhat depressing moment. Right now I'm working on a short story about Damry that takes place when she was 19...and I thought to myself "Wow. A fictional character has a far more exciting life....or look at Luke Skywalker. When he was 19, he was blowing up Death Stars and fighting Sith lords...and what am I doing? Slaving away at school"

But you know..after thinking about it..I'm nowhere near athletic or coordinated enough to fight or fly starships. 8-)
katiroth: (Default)
Tonight Corinne was talking on the phone to someone, and she said something like "None of the guys I'm attacted to are partiers. The ones at the club..none of them really..jumped out at me." ..And then I came to a realization. While different..mine and her situation is much the same. The guys the show interest in me..I don't like...yet the ones I like? Well..they either don't know I exist, or aren't looking for a relationship...or something of the sort. So I'm now wondering if I'm just being picky.

I mean...I'm wondering if I should just go with someone that really cares about me, even though I don't care so much, rather than waiting for 'Mr. Right." ...But then again, if I'm not happy...well..I can't pretend forever. Or maybe I can, but I'd be miserable.

You know...that really is a dumb question. I mean...Of course I'm never going to put up with being with a guy I don't like..I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I'm really pessimistic right now. I mean..I know I'm young and whutnot, and that I have time, but still..it's annoying me. I suppose we all go through days like this though. I'd really like to know the answers though.

But at least I'm working on my whole self-esteem problem. Tonight at bible study Jenny was really supportive. So..slowly I'm working on that. And as soon as I get money, I'm going to go shopping and get clothes that *I* like, not what is nessecarily the fashion. I mean..I'm not one of the 'normal' girls, so why should I dress like them? Hmm..Just need to figure out how to make electrical tape work right..*coughs* That and last night Kyle said "Since when do you care about what people think of you?"...and I guess he's right. I need to stop it. When I didn't care, I was happy, but now that i do (sorta) I'm miserable again.

So...maybe I will wear black lipstick tomorrow. Maybe I will dye my hair pink and black and purple.

And maybe the answers will come.


--

Childhood memories
Happy days
Happy songs
Simple back then
Can't ever be simple again.

Stick out your tongue at the ones you didn't like
or that you did
Now you'd be branded strange
But maybe such a simple action
From the time of childhood
is all that this world needs

Just stick out your tongue
Maybe they'll stick it out back
That meant they actually liked you
And you secretly liked them.

Simple back then.
Not like now
When you have to toss and turn
Fighting your fears and tears
Just to let them know
You either hate them or love them.

I want my childhood back
I want things to be simple again.
katiroth: (Default)
Maybe it's fear. Fear holding me back from where I need to be. After all, it's fear that keeps me from doing what I know I need to. Fear of what the consequences might be. I'm afraid that my choices could cause anothers downfall, and I don't want that.

It's fear that's keeping me from realizing my dreams. I am afraid of rejection. I'm sacred to death of suddenly being left out of my circle of friends. I'm afraid that I am thinking too highly of myself when it comes to my friends in the first place.

So perhaps it's doubt as well. Doubting that my own abilities and personality are what draws people to me, and that they like me for not who or what I am...just what they see.

Maybe.

And actually...despite the kinda...darkness of this post, I am in an insanely good mood. I haven't been this up for a while. Amazing what a good friend can do. :)
katiroth: (Default)
I am officially screwed. Books cost 300 bucks. And as I'm going through the internet, looking for loans, I realize that they won't let me have money without a cosigner. And my mom already said she wouldn't cosign.

So...anyone wanna loan me $2000? :D
katiroth: (Default)
Okay...I've kept all of my readers (What, all...two of you? ^_~) in suspense, so I'm finally going to write up this post.

Let's start with my week at home. Gah. I haven't been so bored in ...forever. Friday night I killed my back 'cause I was always leaning forward to talk to mom and Dave..then I slept, and Saturday was..weird. I helped skin a deer. *shudder* Nasty. Insanely. I'm proud of myself though, because I'm realyl squeamish around bloody and such, and that was one of the bloodiest things I've ever been around. Actually...the bloodiest thing I've ever been around. I made Marie come pick me up though, because A- I was cold, and B- it was getting too nasty when they cut the deer's head off. That was enough for me, heh. And I think I'll be out of school by the time we get the house done. Dave's sick and whutnot..so I'm seeing the rest of the family being in town until I'm long gone. Sigh. We never should have bought that place. It was...not worth it. At all. I think Mom and Dave were deluding themselves. Of course, I'll never actually say that, but I think that. -_-;

Hmm..then Saturday night I went to the play..and about died laughing. They did Captain Fantastic, another Tim Kelly play, and I was like. "haha!" the entire way through. It was also cool, 'cause I sat by Ms. Sheeley and only we and a few other people got some of the more subtle jokes, mostly plays on words and whutnot. T'was a pity that I didn't see Mrs. Condray of Mrs. Nickles though. That woulda made things perfect. And then Lissie came over, we had cake for mom's birthday, and then Sunday was boring. Normal day. I decided to skip Spanish and Anthropology Monday, so I went ahead and stayed over. Big mistake. I ended up cleaning the house. >.< It's like..I don't mind cleaning up after myself and sometimes Christina, but I DON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE! I don't even think I'll stay there over the summer, I want to move in with Marie so that I can get a job in Rolla, which would be sooo much easier than trying to find a job in Salem. Er...off on a tangent. Again.

Okay. So yeah. Dull Thanksgiving, I spent the night before cleaning with Marie (Which was okay, 'cause my sister is the coolest person in the world), and then the day stuffing olives (which was okay, I guess) and watching dumb movies. I'm sorry, but you can only watch Scrooged so many times before it gets insanely old -_- Then Friday was boring, playing Kingdom Hearts...and finally, Saturday I got to come back to the dorms! It was amazingly wonderful. Almost no one was in the dorms because it was still technically Thanksgiving break, so I could play my music...and actually work on graphics. It was wonderful. I managed to get TE finished. ^_^ Looks pretty good, even though I have to use FrontPage. Gah. One of these days I'm going to learn html. I swear!

So yeah...then I have some random stuff happen in class, nothing special. As usual, the majority of the drama happens online. Although, I'm just going to sorta half rant about UFF9 for a few moments. :) I'm not exactly happy with a few things. Most notable keeping luna in her mod spot. Now..Lu is an awesome person, I love her to death, but she has done NOTHING for well over a month. I'm convinced that the only reason she's still there is because of Silverwolf. Once again, a guy I love to death, but come on! The graphics forum is my love, and I have soo many ideas for it..starting up something like Shinra, 'cause we have a few graphic artists, but no incentive to post. Meh. Soooooo many ideas, but Lu isn't even around so I can share 'em so she can think about putting them into effect. UFF9 needs some posting incentives, and there are sooo many ideas I have for the graphics forum, but I would rather be selfish.

Anyway...enough for now. Just...visit TE or something.....Oh. Battle Royale is uber-ness incarnate. (:
katiroth: (Default)
Okay....weird dream last night, weird enough that it kept me from going to class this morning. O.o I was in the elevator in Craig Hall...for you few SMSU students who read this, you know how crappy it is, heh...and it got really...weird. It first moved horizantally, while myself, my speech professor, and some other guy from my IDS class were in it. Then it goes up...and then..it flips over on its side and the two guys fall on me. As I was sleeping, I seriously felt like I couldn't breathe. Kinda..scary.

So me, being the superstitious paranoid person I am didn't go to Spanish this morning, which is in Craig Hall...of course, the fact that I didn't do my homework and we had a quiz...eh...well...that was part of it too.

(insert transition here)

People who dress up like smurfs are funny. Yesterday the paper people were out in thier smurf costumes handing out the paper. I read through it and wasn't all that impressed. *shrug* Funnier than the normal SMSU paper though, I guess. Although..DAMN THEM FOR BLAMING US CYCLISTS FOR THE TROUBLE!

...And in other news, I'm still not happy. Don't think I will be for a while. I mean..we're not technically seperated but it's not like before. :\

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katiroth

October 2012

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